As I lay in the same bed that I used as a tool to cope unhealthily and distract from the immense inner pains, I found myself crying in despair.
I stopped numbing myself.
I stopped distracting myself.
I wasn’t doing anything at this moment that would shift my focus from the consequences of how I’ve lived.
The shame, the hurt, the sadness.
It flooded every inch of my body; it filled my mind, and it was loud.
I thought living a high adrenalined, seratonined, dopamined, whatever-amined life would make me feel like I was living this life right.
That I wasn’t letting it go to waste.
I thought that living this life in a way where I do what I want to do because I want to do it….
I thought that would make me happy.
I thought I would find satisfaction in it. In trying to take control.
But what I was realizing, as I lay weeping alone, was that the way I was living my life was leaving me emptier that I was before.
It was full of achieving a “happy” that would soon fade.
It always faded.
The high would come and leave just as quick.
“what else can I do”
“I cant live a life like this”
“I am stuck in a cycle”
“I am tired of this”
I began to see my brokenness in totality.
How the effects of other people’s actions and words made my soul feel.
How the effects of my words and actions made my soul feel.
I didn’t want to live this life anymore.
My soul was desperate.
I was desperate...
Alone...
And bitter.
As I laid there, sitting with this. This hurt and sadness. This lostness.
I was at the end of myself.
An image came to mind in the midst of the ugly and harsh tears streaming down my cheeks.
A darkhaired/skinned man standing in front of me. He was far away but so close in my mind.
He was super bright; a white light outlined his clothed body.
His arms were stretched out to me, like he was longing to embrace me in His own arms.
He wasn’t intimidating.
He was gentle and I felt a compassion on my brokenness.
There was a care in His eyes.
A care for me.
I thought to myself.
This man loves me. I don’t even know Him, yet He is so quick to care for me.
I began to feel a love within my body that I had not ever felt.
Something that was but a mystery to me.
“My parents love me, but not like this.”
“My friends love me, but not like this.”
“Not even in my past romances did I ever feel a love like this.”
It was almost as if my mind had a loud thought,
“I SEE YOU.
I NOTICE YOUR HURT.”
Woah. What.
Amid my mess of a heart and my mess of a life, I was noticed.
Me?
The one who never liked showing my true emotions to others.
Who hates crying in front of another human being.
Who would do anything to show people a side of me that wasn’t really me.
Who didn’t even notice other people’s hurts… or really care about it
This was not what I was used to.
This was a foreign language to me.
“I care for you” were just words people said… until now.
To sit and listen to the cries of someone’s innermost thoughts and feelings
I thought to myself.
“This love, this care for me.
This is worth living my life for.
This is worth surrendering all that I have.”
I had nothing else to lose. Like I said earlier. I was at the end of myself.
Then.
In that moment.
The chaos of emotions that was sitting against the insides of my skin, were calmed.
My mind that was running a million thoughts a minute, was stilled.
The weight of my sadness, my guilt, my shame, my hurt, my past…. was replaced.
It was replaced with a peace, a peace that only someone who knows where it came from can possibly understand what that peace is like.
It filled my body from head to toe.
How could I have gone from one second drowning in the tangled mess of my life to a deep sense of peace and knowing that I am seen, heard, and loved?
I was loved regardless of who I was.
Regardless of how selfish I was.
Regardless of living recklessly.
Regardless of how hard I ran from everything.
Regardless of even the worst moments of my past.
I thought about how filled I finally felt in that moment.
Like a missing piece that I had been long searching for was finally found.
I had been searching for so long, but in all the wrong places.
I kept wondering why no relationships made me feel what I needed, why my un-sobered mind left me wanting again, and again and again… chasing an unsatisfying high that never lasted.
It never lasted.
I was constantly chasing something:
The next high
the next relationship
the next step in a relationship
the next paycheck
my college degree
the though of being a mom
being married
understanding life
answers about the future
answers about my personality and why I am the way I am
spending money & not just spending money but owning things
the next Friday night
the next birthday
the status of being well-known or even well-liked… especially at the cost of them not knowing or caring about the inner-most hidden parts of myself
whatever it was. I kept wanting more and more and more.
I kept chasing.
But I was tired of chasing.
I was ready to give the last resort a try.
My last resort was this man.
Who had just shown me His love for me.
His notice for me & His care for me.
It may be odd to read this story, but it’s a true story. It starts almost in the middle of an even bigger life story… considering this happened when I was 21 years old.
But it’s not the middle. And I’m very thankful it’s not the end.
It’s actually the beginning.
The beginning that started with when I met Jesus.
{I would like whoever is reading this, whether the mention of Jesus’ name gives you a negative, neutral, or positive stream of thoughts in your mind, to know a few things
I did not first meet Him in a church.
I did not meet Him during a worship set.
I did not meet Him while dressed up nice.
I did not meet Him when I was happy or feeling “on top of the world”.
I met Him in the same bed that I had used to run far away from Him.
You can first meet Him in whatever setting,
in whatever mood or feeling,
in whatever moment is going on.
It may be in a moment of mundaneness as simple as “I need you” and a humbling of your heart.
It may be in a moment where you hit rock bottom.
It may not be a massive sign in the sky or God directly telling you in a dream that He is real.
…I’ve realized that we cannot put Him in a box of what He may or may not do to grab your attention.
BUT He meets you where YOU are at. He says, “come as you are”.
He doesn’t barge into your house; He is a gentleman who knocks at your door and waits until you invite Him in.
2. Jesus says, “seek and you will find”,
I had recently started reading the bible on my own for the first time just a few days prior to this story.
I wasn’t told to.
I wasn’t forced.
I was tired of this cycle I was in.
It was the same life over and over… and I didn’t know where else to turn. It felt as though I had tried the other options, and they all had the same outcome.
So, I got curious.
3. Lastly, if you have never heard this before… He came for YOU just as much as he came for me. He never left you.
Because of the separation from God that sin causes,
God loved you enough to send a solution to this problem.
He sent Jesus to die a death that we all deserve…
Like I had said earlier, there are consequences to our actions and to our words.
Someone always has to pay the price.
There is a consequence to living in a constant separation from God and that is spiritual and eternal death.
Eternal death is choosing to forever live apart from God & It’s not as pretty or as fun as you imagine.
&
Jesus didn’t just die for us.
He resurrected.
He defeated death so that whoever believes in Him - in that He was who He said He was, can live eternally with God.
Not just eternally, but here now.
That I can sit in my room and talk to God.
That I don’t have to be “holier than thou” to know Him.
That I can know and be known by God.
Jesus is no longer dead, He is alive.
In the story above, I was no longer dead but alive in Him.
How beautiful that we are given a choice.
But every choice has a consequence.
It sometimes wont all make sense & we won’t have every answer to every question here on earth, but if you just take one step towards Him- you will find something far greater}
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